It was more than just the dark circles under my eyes. It was more than the multiple scares of nodding off behind the wheel at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. It was more than waking up in the morning feeling completely exhausted and telling myself to push through it. It was more than the weekly refrain from others: “You look really tired.”
There was definitely something wrong. I was becoming someone I didn’t recognize.
I was mad at myself for feeling so lazy, for not being able to function, for not being able to push through. I hated looking in the mirror with blood shot eyes staring back at me. Something just wasn’t right. After two years of everything getting progressively worse, I couldn’t take it any longer.
After months of blood tests and sleep tests, my doctor still couldn’t find anything wrong. So she finally urged me to see a psychiatrist. At this point, I didn’t care who I needed to see. I just wanted to figure it out. But I fully expected my visit with the psychiatrist to just be another dead end.
“You are suffering from a moderate case of depression.”
I called my husband to let him know I would be home late, because I was waiting in line for my prescription.
“Prescription?”
“Yeah, they put me on a new prescription.”
I quickly changed the subject to what time he would like to go out for sushi (something he had been looking forward to all week). I’m sure he knew. But we didn’t talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about it over the phone. I didn’t want to talk about it at all.
The cashier told me a pharmacist would be over to explain my medication. With as genuine of a smile as I could muster, I let her know that wasn’t necessary. I didn’t want the pharmacist to say it out loud.
My drive home was spent in silence. I wish I could say I spent it in prayer or thinking through things. But I didn’t. I just drove in silence. I didn’t want to have to process what this meant. I didn’t want to decide who I would tell and how I would tell them.
I walked into the bedroom where my husband was relaxing after a long week of work. I sat on the edge of the bed and began taking off my shoes.
“They said I have depression.”
As soon as I felt his arms wrap around me, I lost it. The tears wouldn’t stop. There were no words. Just the warmth and comfort of his embrace. I wanted to stay there forever.
“We’ll get through this. One step at a time.”
As I lay in his arms crying, I thanked God for my husband. It was his words that made me realize that I didn’t have to process everything at once. I really can just take it one step at a time.
I also felt a sigh of relief, because now there was an answer.
For the last two years I just thought I was crazy. When you tell people you’re tired, they think it’s the same type of tired we all experience. And so they brush it off. What I was experiencing is so much different than not getting enough sleep. It completely drained me of all my energy and desire to do anything. I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone. But now I have an answer and a way to start a journey of being healthy.
This is all very new for me and very new for us as a couple. We are still navigating how to continue on this daily journey of restoration and what it looks like to cling to Christ in the midst of something I don’t fully understand.
The truth is that depression has altered a large part of my life—a large part of who I am. The symptoms are both behavioral and physical. Outside of just learning more about what depression is and how it affects me, I have learned two major things.
1. Depression is not a lack of faith.
If someone is struggling with depression, it doesn’t mean they have a lack of trust in God. I refuse to let this lie take root in my life.
Depression is a combination of biological and psychological factors. It’s a kind of distress you cannot control. If you know someone suffering from depression, please do not even suggest that they lack faith. First off, it’s simply not biblical. Secondly, it’s just not helpful.
If someone is struggling with depression, it doesn't mean that they have a lack of trust in God. I refuse to let this lie take root in my life. Click To Tweet
2. Depression does not give me a free pass.
Perhaps the hardest part of dealing with depression is seeing how it affects my husband. We have had a few really tough moments that, if it weren’t for depression, we probably never would have encountered.
Certainly, there is an element where my husband needs to be understanding and supportive. And for the most part, he does this really well. I am truly grateful.
But there is also an element where I still have to check how I’m responding or acting. My depression does not give me a free pass to treat him however I feel. Insofar as I’m able to control it, I have a responsibility to my husband and to our marriage.
———
We are very fresh into this journey and I am probably not as educated on this topic as I should be. But one thing I know: this is not too big for Christ.
Though I don’t understand it and I would rather it not be me, I know that God doesn’t often call us into something easy. But God always calls us into something beautiful.
I am reminded of the truth that Paul said to the Corinthian church. “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away [which is exactly how I feel], our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18a)
I am clinging to the One whom my soul can trust and the One whom has brought me through far more difficult situations. I know God will use this journey for something far greater than me.
Though I don't understand it and I would rather it not be me, I know that God doesn't often call us into something easy. But God always calls us into something beautiful. Click To Tweet
This Post Has 9 Comments
I too struggle with depression and anxiety. It’s encouraging to hear you talking to openly about this, one of the most important things we can do as Christians is invite people into our journey so we aren’t doing it alone and also to remind others that they aren’t either. Love you! Great great post.
Hi Jordin, the hardest part about being so transparent is the fear of people thinking I am not a strong believing Christian. I knew it was a lie to suggest I had little faith, but I didn’t want others to assume that. Honestly, I’m still a little fearful of that. But I trust that Christ will use this for good as He does all things and that good can be helping others. You are right we need to talk about it more within the Church and let people know it does not make you an unfaithful Christian to have depression or anxiety.
Thanks for sharing! I think I’m struggling from yet-to-be diagnosed form of anxiety that keeps me from functioning normally and being productive. I need to take that next step and see a psychiatrist to get a formal diagnosis. I’ve been resisting medication, but perhaps it’s what I need to begin healing.
Hi Mike, I can relate to the hesitation of taking the next step. The thought of needing to be on medication was a huge fear for me. It took talking to my husband and psychiatrist to put me at ease.
My doctor suggested for me to be on medication as well as counseling. I would say both of these have been absolutely necessary for my journey towards health. During my first counseling session I agreed to making my health a priority. That has entailed making some changes in my life, letting go of things that were unhealthy for me, and even being okay with being on medication. It has been a humbling experience and one I can see God has used to reprioritize my life. I will be praying for you as you enter into your journey of healing. You are not alone.
So grateful for you and your honesty, Tamara. Having fought, and almost lose to, depression, I appreciate your reaching out to those too ashamed to admit it. Depression loves loneliness and I am grateful that God has provided us a church full of people who I know would run if we needed a friend. Praying for you, Tamara. And me, and anyone going thru it, that they read this and find hope in your words.❤️
Kristin, “Depression loves loneliness,” so true. The default of feeling alone is to crawl further into that dark hole and stay there. You have been such an encouragement and joy in my life. Though I know it’s true, I’m always blown away by how God uses the things that cripples us the most to bring Him glory and to share Him with others.
I take medication for depression a d anxiety since returning from deployment. You’re not alone and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
My spouse, my wife Amber, was that such embrace when I was dealing with the bipolar disorder that I have. I was speaking to crisis counselors all the time and couldn’t get relief until a few things shook my world and made me go, “Yeah, you need help.” One was one of our nights of prayer where my wife through tears explained what I was going through. I happened to be up on stage at church playing for the event. Then and there, I lost it. Then, we learned of the Inland Hills church pastor who committed suicide. He wasn’t much older than me. Finally, Amber and I got in a row about me not seeing a psychologist even though she’d been practically begging me to for months. I was too prideful, but after these things happened, I woke up and got real with myself and got help. As a husband, this may sound cliche, but I’ve learned to listen to my spouse. She’s common sense when I don’t make sense. Praise God for his hand in healing you and me!
Hi Tamara…..thank you for bringing a subject from the darkness to the light. Depression has altered my entire life….as far back as I can remember. Today….I’m 62 years old and struggled for 40+ of those from anorexia. The two conditions prevail, albeit hand in hand, with potentially deadly consequences. To add fuel to the fire of symptoms of anorexia Is perfectionism. As a result, the circle of irrational thinking, feeling like the antithesis of who Jesus is and who I aspire to emulate, the difficulties and worry this places on those I love, knowing very few can grasp why someone would starve themselves, along with the stigma of mental illness….yes….it’s a very lonely place to be. After trying to constantly “power through” by wearing my “joyful mask”, I finally just shut down from lack of physical, emotional and spiritual energy; asking the Holy Spirit to “groan” his utterances for me. He alone has sustained me and placed those in my life that rescue and encourage me. Thank you for listening.
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